I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
