Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
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