remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
