Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
