I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
The uberlube is also flammable
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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