It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
