Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize