you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
