I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
should my penis look like a turkey
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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