His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Randomize
