I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
