Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize