Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
