I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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