She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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