Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
My cat gives me a boner
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
