I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Randomize
