I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Randomize
