so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
