I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
