Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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