I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
