Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
