yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
