The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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