he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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