I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
