I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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