The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
