Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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