If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize