I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
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