We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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