well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
