my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
