And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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