Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
