so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
