I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize