I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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