What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Randomize
