Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
