i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
