but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
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