I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
