I hate all girls vehemently.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize