I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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