i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
