I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
