just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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