I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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