We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
