a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
