Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
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