At least make sure they are 18
Why
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Randomize
