Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
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