I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
