forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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