He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
So much rum. So many feels.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
