I accidentally burped into my bong.
i just had sex bonerless
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
